schimmel pilot - cold opening

Robert: WOOEW!!!!!
Doctor: Now you may feel a little pressure.
Robert: Yeah, on the roof of my mouth. Get it out.
Doctor: Just relax.
Doctor: Oh, that's beautiful.
Doctor: So who you like in the playoffs?
Robert: What you get the game on that thing?
Nurse: Dr. Rothman needs a consultation on line one.
Robert: It's not what you think.
Nurse: Yeah, that's what everybody says.
Doctor: Hey, Phil. Oh yeah, I can talk.
Robert: No he can't. He's very busy, Phil.
Doctor: Investment opportunity? I'm listening.
Doctor: Hmm… Hold on a sec. (Sec is short for second)
Doctor: If you could buy boats online, would ya?
Robert: Why don't you stick the phone up my ass and we can conference. (Conference call)
Robert: Goodbye Phil.
Doctor: Come on, this isn't so bad is it?
Robert: Let me do you.
Doctor: There, all done.
Robert: Oooh, you're the boss!!!

From his stand-up routine:

Doctor: "Today, Robert, I will be sticking this up your ass."
Robert:"Why did one of my checks bounce?" (A bounced check is a returned check for non sufficient funds.)
Doctor: "We just need to look around."
Robert: "For what? A parking space? When I walked in this room I thought that thing was a coat rack."

He has an East Coast accent.