Monday, December 8, 2008
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she
retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public
places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again
By ~Rita Reis
Brazi
conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she
retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public
places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again
By ~Rita Reis
Brazi
An old man was watching a teenager sitting next to him.The teenager had spiked hair with colors green,red,orange and blue. The old man kept staring at him that irritated the boy.
* teenager: never done anything wild in your entire life?
* Old man: Got drunk once and had a sex with a peacock. I'm wondering if you're my son.
Embarassed hehehe
* teenager: never done anything wild in your entire life?
* Old man: Got drunk once and had a sex with a peacock. I'm wondering if you're my son.
Embarassed hehehe
one teacher was explaining a chemistry class about the water ..
he told his students that the water is composed of ( H2O)
after the lecture he told one of his students same question
( what does the water contain of ? )
the student ansewred : It composed oF ( H I J K L M N O )
the teacher surprised !! why did you say that ??
the student : b coz u told us b4 It contains of H to O
loooool ..
he told his students that the water is composed of ( H2O)
after the lecture he told one of his students same question
( what does the water contain of ? )
the student ansewred : It composed oF ( H I J K L M N O )
the teacher surprised !! why did you say that ??
the student : b coz u told us b4 It contains of H to O
loooool ..
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
there was 2 poor person’s and once at there country there was a big holiday at that day the went to visit the rich men with cultural bread and 1 bottle wine.WHEN the rich man LOOK at them he became very happy and he give them 1 million dollar and go to inside but they was still at his compound after 1 hour he look at them on the window quikly came and ask them
rich men:is the money not enough?
one of them answer’s:no it’s enough
rich men:so what are you waiting for?
another one answer’s:we are waiting for our bottle.
rich men:is the money not enough?
one of them answer’s:no it’s enough
rich men:so what are you waiting for?
another one answer’s:we are waiting for our bottle.
Daddy and kid
"Daddy" a little boy asked his father."How much does it cost to get married ? " The dad answered " I don't know son,I am still paying for it
Wat's an attitute?
Three Ants saw an elephant coming…
1st Ant: We will kill him…
2nd Ant: We will break his leg…
3rd Ant: Leave him dude, he is alone and we are three so that won't be fair…
1st Ant: We will kill him…
2nd Ant: We will break his leg…
3rd Ant: Leave him dude, he is alone and we are three so that won't be fair…
schimmel pilot - cold opening
Robert: WOOEW!!!!!
Doctor: Now you may feel a little pressure.
Robert: Yeah, on the roof of my mouth. Get it out.
Doctor: Just relax.
Doctor: Oh, that's beautiful.
Doctor: So who you like in the playoffs?
Robert: What you get the game on that thing?
Nurse: Dr. Rothman needs a consultation on line one.
Robert: It's not what you think.
Nurse: Yeah, that's what everybody says.
Doctor: Hey, Phil. Oh yeah, I can talk.
Robert: No he can't. He's very busy, Phil.
Doctor: Investment opportunity? I'm listening.
Doctor: Hmm… Hold on a sec. (Sec is short for second)
Doctor: If you could buy boats online, would ya?
Robert: Why don't you stick the phone up my ass and we can conference. (Conference call)
Robert: Goodbye Phil.
Doctor: Come on, this isn't so bad is it?
Robert: Let me do you.
Doctor: There, all done.
Robert: Oooh, you're the boss!!!
From his stand-up routine:
Doctor: "Today, Robert, I will be sticking this up your ass."
Robert:"Why did one of my checks bounce?" (A bounced check is a returned check for non sufficient funds.)
Doctor: "We just need to look around."
Robert: "For what? A parking space? When I walked in this room I thought that thing was a coat rack."
He has an East Coast accent.
A Navy man and an Army man are driving in opposite directions on a mountain road. The Army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and hits the Navy man's truck. They both get out of their cars with no injuiries, but their vehicles are ruined.
Now, the rivalry between the Army nd the Navy is well known, so a heated argument follows. Then suddenly the Navy man change his mind and says: "Hold on, this is stupid! It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."The Army man agrees that this is a goog idea. So the Navy man says: "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thinks that this is an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offers the Army man the first drink, and tells him to have as much as he wants. Soon the Army man has drunk half the bottle and offers it back to the Navy man, who says: "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the police get here."
By ~heetomi
Hungary
Now, the rivalry between the Army nd the Navy is well known, so a heated argument follows. Then suddenly the Navy man change his mind and says: "Hold on, this is stupid! It was an accident. Let's put this rivalry behind us."The Army man agrees that this is a goog idea. So the Navy man says: "Why don't we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck."
The Army man thinks that this is an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offers the Army man the first drink, and tells him to have as much as he wants. Soon the Army man has drunk half the bottle and offers it back to the Navy man, who says: "Thanks, but I'll wait till after the police get here."
By ~heetomi
Hungary
A Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!' So I did…….
I Won't be at Mass this week!
An Old Prospector
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,' Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a loud, double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and stammered:, 'Nnno. But I've always wanted to.'
The two lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed,saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,' Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a loud, double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and stammered:, 'Nnno. But I've always wanted to.'
The two lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
40 THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of Shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word You're saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm Already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I Will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about You..
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely Coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to Burn off.
22. Yes, in fact I AM an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be….?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
37.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the Fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word You're saying.
10. Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm Already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I Will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about You..
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely Coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to Burn off.
22. Yes, in fact I AM an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be….?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
37.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the Fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh, I get it…like humor…but different.
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!!
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!!
Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I
Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I
Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his
collar backwards… The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The
little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest
looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy
said "My Dad has 4 boys, 3 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear
his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father
of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly
thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a
condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his
collar backwards… The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The
little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest
looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy
said "My Dad has 4 boys, 3 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear
his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father
of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly
thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a
condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
Thought for today!!!
Just think – if the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead of a turkey we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota
factory….and both were laid off. So…dey went
to the Unemployment Office together.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.'
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it
classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300
a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'
The clerk looked up diesel fitter…and it was
classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave
Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Olaf found this out, he was furious ! He
stormed back into the office to find out why
his friend and co-worker was collecting double
his benefits.
The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are
unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.'
'Dat's skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da
panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,
'Yah – DIESEL FITTER.'
factory….and both were laid off. So…dey went
to the Unemployment Office together.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher.
I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.'
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it
classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300
a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.'
The clerk looked up diesel fitter…and it was
classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave
Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Olaf found this out, he was furious ! He
stormed back into the office to find out why
his friend and co-worker was collecting double
his benefits.
The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are
unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.'
'Dat's skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da
panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says,
'Yah – DIESEL FITTER.'
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you .'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St.. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
Th ey play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, greeting each other, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I
mean heaven has been delightfu l, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you .'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St.. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
Th ey play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, greeting each other, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I
mean heaven has been delightfu l, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above…
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says…….
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted!
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
News Release:
Hinckley to be released
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:
To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain
PS: Barack Obama has been seeing Jodie Foster. Thought you should know.
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to have intercepted this past weekend:
To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain
My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best Wishes,
John and Cindy McCain
PS: Barack Obama has been seeing Jodie Foster. Thought you should know.
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''
''I'm Jim.''
''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''
''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.
''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.
''Is it your brother?''
''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''
Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.
''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''
''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.
Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''
By ~RainboW
Ukraine
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''
''I'm Jim.''
''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''
''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.
''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.
''Is it your brother?''
''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''
Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.
''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''
''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.
Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''
By ~RainboW
Ukraine
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
By ~RainboW
Ukraine
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
By ~RainboW
Ukraine
A Family Tradition
Two madmen were talking in the mental hospital,and one said, "I have decided to give my sister to you in marriage once we are out of here." The other man said, "No, thank you. It cannot be so."He asked, "Why?" The man answered, "Because,according to our family tradition only relatives get married. We cannot marry an outsider." The other man asked, "How come there is such a family custom?" He said, "You see, my grandmother married my grandfather. My mother married my father, my sister married my brother-in-law, and so on. How can I marry your sister?"
By ~lymark
China
By ~lymark
China
Something in the Suit
One friend said to another one, "I'm suing my wife." And his friend asked,"Why? You were just married not long ago. What's wrong?" The first friend said, "Well, she threw my newest suit out of the window." And the second friend said, "Just a small thing like that, and you're suing her in court? My God!"The first friend then replied, "Yes, but I was inside the suit
By ~lymark
China
By ~lymark
China
A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says………………..
'Grandpa;……. Go home! You're drunk.' . . .
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says………………..
'Grandpa;……. Go home! You're drunk.' . . .
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of
the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of
the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she
choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the
other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the
next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the
other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you
two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole,
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
BREAKING NEWS!!!!
The government today announced
it is changing its national symbol to a
CONDOM.
A spokesman stated that it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks
and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed.
It's nice to see they are actually being
honest for once.
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
it is changing its national symbol to a
CONDOM.
A spokesman stated that it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of pricks
and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed.
It's nice to see they are actually being
honest for once.
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days’.
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ’Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….’
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women can be clever, evil b——-s. Don’t mess with them.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, ‘So, you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days’.
Flattered, the man replies, ‘Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you’re still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.’
The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’
She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, ’Aren’t you having any?’
The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….’
MORAL OF THE STORY: Women can be clever, evil b——-s. Don’t mess with them.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
on the golf field one guy is watching on another one. The another one was horrible player but what interesting he was using only one ball. When the ball fell between bush or trees or into the lake he just only whistled and …POOF… ball in magic way appeared in his hand. The first one guy came near to second one and asked "hey, excellent ball, really cool, where did you bought it???" and the answer was:
"I didn't. I found it"…
By ~tomjan
Poland
"I didn't. I found it"…
By ~tomjan
Poland
BIKER STORY- Receives New York Times Best
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH…
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH…
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.?
"Grandpa, what are you doing?
Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!"
he exclaimed!
The old man looked off in the distance without answering him.
"Grandpa," he asked again, "what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?"
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well … last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea."
sitting on the porch in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.?
"Grandpa, what are you doing?
Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!"
he exclaimed!
The old man looked off in the distance without answering him.
"Grandpa," he asked again, "what are you doing sitting out here
with nothing on below the waist?"
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well … last week I sat
out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea."
We are in trouble…
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and
city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
There are 1,211,998 people in prisons
That leaves just two people to do the work
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and
city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
There are 1,211,998 people in prisons
That leaves just two people to do the work
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
5 minute management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $8 00 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunc h.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doin g nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrie nts.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $8 00 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunc h.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doin g nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrie nts.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Rzhevsky and Natasha.
Natasha: Poruchik, what are you searching on my back?
Rzhevsky: I'm searching for your breasts, mademoiselle.
Natasha: But, they are at the front!
Rzhevsky: I have already looked for them there.
Rzhevsky: I'm searching for your breasts, mademoiselle.
Natasha: But, they are at the front!
Rzhevsky: I have already looked for them there.
A duck walks up to the bar….
DUCK: "Hey, you got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "Sorry, man. We don't sell duck food here."
DUCK: "So…. you got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "Umm… like I said, we don't sell duck food."
DUCK: "Oh, right. Sorry, didn't hear you! Got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "For God's sake, ask me for duck food again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar."
DUCK: "Got any nails?"
BARMAN: "No."
DUCK: "Got any duck food?"
DUCK: "Hey, you got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "Sorry, man. We don't sell duck food here."
DUCK: "So…. you got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "Umm… like I said, we don't sell duck food."
DUCK: "Oh, right. Sorry, didn't hear you! Got any duck food?"
BARMAN: "For God's sake, ask me for duck food again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar."
DUCK: "Got any nails?"
BARMAN: "No."
DUCK: "Got any duck food?"
Ok… keep telling international jokes Wink
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well
Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him…
Sum Ting Wong
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well
Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him…
Sum Ting Wong
In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?
I've heard the same joke is told about Irish in England. Wink
Yeah, but the "Mick" is looking for whiskey. Laughing
All jokes are generic. "How do you get a(n) (insert your favorite group) out of the bathtub?"
Turn the water on.
BTW, my paternal grandmother was from Ireland. Wink
Nice to see you, Diss Man. How you been?
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
Yeah, but the "Mick" is looking for whiskey. Laughing
All jokes are generic. "How do you get a(n) (insert your favorite group) out of the bathtub?"
Turn the water on.
BTW, my paternal grandmother was from Ireland. Wink
Nice to see you, Diss Man. How you been?
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
The best Polish jokes come from, you guessed it, Polish people.
An e-mail from my Polish friend.
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
An e-mail from my Polish friend.
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
By ~Nu Pogodi
United States
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars. They beg in different areas of the West End .
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.
Parvinder says, …. 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'
Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says… 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign……
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.
(Help me find the best title for this post, comment me)
By ~Dissipator
Ukraine
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.
Parvinder says, …. 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'
Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says… 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign……
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.
(Help me find the best title for this post, comment me)
By ~Dissipator
Ukraine
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"
"It's a condom," The first lady replies.
"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.
"Um… Most people buy them at the chemist." the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a chemist and walks up to the counter.
"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the shop assistance.
"Why yes we do," the shop assistance says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"
So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
Please help me find the best title ( Comment me)
By ~Dissipator (Ukraine)
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"
"It's a condom," The first lady replies.
"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.
"Um… Most people buy them at the chemist." the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a chemist and walks up to the counter.
"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the shop assistance.
"Why yes we do," the shop assistance says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?"
So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
Please help me find the best title ( Comment me)
By ~Dissipator (Ukraine)
Friday, December 5, 2008
Russians About Themselves
A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What’s the difference?" the Russian asks.
"In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell.
One year later the two men run into one another. "How’s life?" the Russian asks.
"Can’t complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn’t be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They’re either late with waste deliveries, or they’re having bucket shortages."
"What’s the difference?" the Russian asks.
"In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell.
One year later the two men run into one another. "How’s life?" the Russian asks.
"Can’t complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn’t be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They’re either late with waste deliveries, or they’re having bucket shortages."
Italian jokes and jokes about Italian people
* L'italiano e' un popolo straordinario. Mi piacerebbe tanto che fosse un popolo normale. (Altan)
* The Italians are extraordinary people. I would like very much that they would be normal. (Altan)
* Italiani: Dei buoni a nulla capaci di tutto. (Leo Longanesi)
* Italians: good for nothing, capable of everything. (Leo Longanesi)
* Gli italiani corrono sempre in aiuto al vincitore. (Ennio Flaiano)
* Italians always run to help the winner. (Ennio Flaiano)
* In Italia nulla e' stabile quanto il provvisorio. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* In Italy nothing is so much permanent as the temporary. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Se il Muro di Berlino fosse stato costruito dagli italiani, sarebbe caduto naturalmente. (Roberto Benigni)
* If the Berlin wall would have been built by Italians it would have come down on its own. (Roberto Benigni)
* In Italia i treni arrivano tanto in ritardo che bisogna fargli il test di gravidanza.
* The trains in Italy are so late that they need to have a pregnancy test.
* Gli italiani lo fanno meglio. (Madonna) (riferendosi al tiramisu')
* The Italians make it better. (Madonna referring to the Italian dessert "tiramisu" which literally means "get me up")
* Gli italiani hanno solo due cose per la testa. L'altra sono gli spaghetti. (Catherine Deneuve)
* Italians have only two things on their mind. The other one is spaghetti. (Catherine Deneuve)
* Nota statistica. Nei dieci paesi facenti parte della Comunita' Europea, l'Italia non e' undicesima a nessuno. (Amurri e Verde)
* A well known statistic shows that being in the ten countries of the European Community, Italy, is eleventh to no one. (Amurri & Verde)
* Un tedesco un americano e un italiano al bar discutono dei tempi della guerra vantandosi della propria flotta navale. Il tedesco: "Noi avevamo delle portaerei cosi' grandi che per spostarci da poppa a prua utilizzavamo le biciclette". L'americano: "E allora? Le nostre erano cosi' grandi che per spostarci da poppa a prua utilizzavamo le moto". L'italiano allora: "Mi fate ridere tutti e due. Le nostre portaerei erano cosi' grandi che a prua c'era la guerra e a poppa non ne sapevamo niente!!!"
* A German, an American and an Italian are discussing, in a bar, about the past war time bragging about their respective navy fleets. The German: "we had such big air carriers that in order to move from bow to stern we had to use bicycles". The American: "And so what?? Ours were so big that we had to use motorcycles". The Italian: "You both make me laugh! Our air carriers were so big that there was a war going on at stern and at bow nobody knew what the hell was going on."
* Perche' le nuove navi dell'esercito italiano hanno il fondo di vetro? Cosi' possono vedere le vecchie navi dell'esercito italiano. (Milton Berle)
* Why the new Italian navy ships have a glass bottom? So they can see the rest of the old navy! (Milton Berle)
* L'umilta' e' una virtù stupenda. Il guaio e' che molti italiani la esercitano nella dichiarazione dei redditi. (Giulio Andreotti)
* Humility is a stupendous virtue. The trouble is that many Italians apply it when filling in the tax form. (Giulio Andreotti)
* Un italiano e' un latin lover, due italiani sono un casino, tre italiani fanno quattro partiti. (Beppe Grillo)
* An Italian is a Latin lover, two are a mess, three make up four political parties. (Beppe Grillo)
* La situazione dell'Europa e' seria, ma non disperata! La situazione dell'Italia e' disperata, ma non e' seria!
* The European situation is serious, but not desperate! The Italian situation is desperate but not serious!
* L'UIL ha proposto di togliere il passaporto a chi non e' in regola con il fisco. Avrebbe fatto prima a dire: chiudiamo le frontiere. (Indro Montanelli)
* UIL (One of the Italian Workers Union) proposed to withdraw passports to the ones not in line with the revenue laws. It was faster if they said: "close the country's borders". (Indro Montanelli)
* Secondo gli ultimi dati dell'ONU, il nostro Paese confina un po' col terzo mondo ed un po' con l'altro mondo. (Anonimo)
* According to the last U.N. data, our country borders a little bit with the "third world" and a little bit with the "other world". (Anonimous)
* I Francesi sono degli Italiani di cattivo umore. Gli Italiani, all'opposto, sono dei Francesi di buon umore. (Jean Cocteau)
* French are Italians with bad temper. Italians, on the contrary, are French with good humour. (Jean Cocteau)
* In Italia di legale per tutti c'e' solo l'ora. Ed anche quella, non per tutto l'anno. (Stellario Panarello)
* Of legal in Italy there's only "l'ora legale" (Daylight Savings Time called in Italy: Legal Hour) and not even that lasts all year long. (Stellario Panarello)
* Perche' l'Italia e' a forma di stivale? Perche', per stare nella merda, gli stivali sono meglio dei sandali. (Francesco Salvi)
* Why Italy is booth shaped? Because, being in the crap, its better than wearing sandals. (Francesco Salvi)
* L'italiano e' mosso da un bisogno sfrenato d'ingiustizia. (Ennio Flaiano)
* The Italian is moved by an uncontrolled need of injustice. (Ennio Flaiano)
* Se si incontrano tre automobilisti, in Inghilterra fondano un club, in Francia combinano un menage a' trois, in Italia creano un ingorgo. (Stellario Panarello)
* If you meet three car drivers: in England they set up a club, in France a "menage a' trios", in Italy create a traffic jam.
* L'Italia entra nel Duemila ancora in attesa del suo Settecento. (Michele Serra)
* Italy steps in the year 2000 still waiting for her 16th century. (Michele Serra)
* Non possiamo rinunciare alla Fiat: e' l'immagine del nostro Paese. (Altan)
* We can't do without Fiats: its our country's image. (Altan)
* "Saddam mente". "Bastasse questo per bombardare un paese, l'Italia non avrebbe scampo". (Ellekappa)
* "Saddam lies!!". "If this is enough to bomb a country, Italy would have no escape". (Ellekappa)
* Quando un tedesco non sa una cosa… LA IMPARA
* When a German doesn't know one thing… HE LEARNS IT.
* Quando un americano non sa una cosa… PAGA PER SAPERLA
* When an American doesn't know one thing… HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
* Quando un inglese non sa una cosa… CI SCOMMETTE SOPRA
* When a British doesn't know one thing… HE BETS ON IT.
* Quando un francese non sa una cosa… FA FINTA DI SAPERLA
* When a French doesn't know one thing… HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
* Quando uno spagnolo non sa una cosa… CHIEDE CHE GLI SIA SPIEGATA
* When a Spanish doesn't know one thing… HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
* Quando un greco non sa una cosa… TI SFIDA A CHI HA RAGIONE
* When a Greek doesn't know one thing… HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
* Quando un irlandese non sa una cosa… CI BEVE SOPRA
* When an Irish doesn't know one thing… HE DRINKS ON IT.
* Quando uno svizzero non sa una cosa… CI STUDIA SOPRA
* When a Swiss doesn't know one thing… HE STUDIES IT.
* Quando un italiano non sa una cosa… LA INSEGNA !!!
* When an Italian doesn't know one thing… HE TEACHES IT!!!
* L'Italia sarebbe un Paese magnifico senza gli italiani. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Italy could be a gorgeous country without the Italians. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Siamo un popolo di rivoluzionari. Ma vogliamo fare le barricate con i mobili degli altri. (Ennio Flaiano)
* We are a country of revolutionaries. Bu we want to make blockades with other peoples furniture. (Ennio Flaiano)
* La crisi economica dell'Italia sta assumento livelli preoccupanti. Ieri ho incontrato un amico e gli ho offerto un caffe'. Mi ha risposto che, se per me era lo stesso, preferiva che gli dessi i soldi. (Mauroemme)
* The economic crises in Italy is reaching alarming levels. Yesterday I met a friend of mine at the bar and offered him an espresso. He asked me, if it was all right with me, to have the money instead. (Mauroemme)
* "Bisogna alzare la voce con gli Americani". "Devono capire chi e' che ubbidisce qui". (Altan)
* "We have to raise our voice with the Americans". "They have to understand who is obeying here". (Altan)
* L'Italia cambia cosi' in fretta che non si e' mai sicuri di aver pagato la tangente al tipo giusto. (Altan)
* Italy is changing so fast that you're never sure if you have paid the right amount of money "under the table". (Altan)
* Emergenza scioperi: In Italia la questione sociale e' cosi' grave che ai prossimi scioperi i cittadini non avranno nessun disagio. E' previsto infatti lo sciopero degli scioperanti. (Marco Vicari)
* Strike emergency: in Italy the social issue is so bad that, when the next strike will occur, citizen won't feel any inconvenience. As a matter of fact is expected a strikers strike. (Marco Vicari)
* La fanteria italiana non retrocede mai, fa mezzo giro e continua ad avanzare. (Mauroemme)
* The Italian infantry never withdraws, makes half a turn and continues its advance.
* In Germania ha fatto scalpore il nuovo brevetto di una macchina speciale, che permette di acciuffare ladri in soli 5 minuti. Installata negli USA, ha fatto prendere 1000 ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Giappone, ha fatto prendere 6000 ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Italia, e' stata rubata in 5 minuti. (Mauroemme)
* In Germany a new patent of a special machine made sensation, it catches thieves in only five minutes. Installed in the USA, it allowed 1000 thieves to be caught in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in five minutes.
PS We are of course all very proud to be Italian!
By ~Latin Lover
* The Italians are extraordinary people. I would like very much that they would be normal. (Altan)
* Italiani: Dei buoni a nulla capaci di tutto. (Leo Longanesi)
* Italians: good for nothing, capable of everything. (Leo Longanesi)
* Gli italiani corrono sempre in aiuto al vincitore. (Ennio Flaiano)
* Italians always run to help the winner. (Ennio Flaiano)
* In Italia nulla e' stabile quanto il provvisorio. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* In Italy nothing is so much permanent as the temporary. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Se il Muro di Berlino fosse stato costruito dagli italiani, sarebbe caduto naturalmente. (Roberto Benigni)
* If the Berlin wall would have been built by Italians it would have come down on its own. (Roberto Benigni)
* In Italia i treni arrivano tanto in ritardo che bisogna fargli il test di gravidanza.
* The trains in Italy are so late that they need to have a pregnancy test.
* Gli italiani lo fanno meglio. (Madonna) (riferendosi al tiramisu')
* The Italians make it better. (Madonna referring to the Italian dessert "tiramisu" which literally means "get me up")
* Gli italiani hanno solo due cose per la testa. L'altra sono gli spaghetti. (Catherine Deneuve)
* Italians have only two things on their mind. The other one is spaghetti. (Catherine Deneuve)
* Nota statistica. Nei dieci paesi facenti parte della Comunita' Europea, l'Italia non e' undicesima a nessuno. (Amurri e Verde)
* A well known statistic shows that being in the ten countries of the European Community, Italy, is eleventh to no one. (Amurri & Verde)
* Un tedesco un americano e un italiano al bar discutono dei tempi della guerra vantandosi della propria flotta navale. Il tedesco: "Noi avevamo delle portaerei cosi' grandi che per spostarci da poppa a prua utilizzavamo le biciclette". L'americano: "E allora? Le nostre erano cosi' grandi che per spostarci da poppa a prua utilizzavamo le moto". L'italiano allora: "Mi fate ridere tutti e due. Le nostre portaerei erano cosi' grandi che a prua c'era la guerra e a poppa non ne sapevamo niente!!!"
* A German, an American and an Italian are discussing, in a bar, about the past war time bragging about their respective navy fleets. The German: "we had such big air carriers that in order to move from bow to stern we had to use bicycles". The American: "And so what?? Ours were so big that we had to use motorcycles". The Italian: "You both make me laugh! Our air carriers were so big that there was a war going on at stern and at bow nobody knew what the hell was going on."
* Perche' le nuove navi dell'esercito italiano hanno il fondo di vetro? Cosi' possono vedere le vecchie navi dell'esercito italiano. (Milton Berle)
* Why the new Italian navy ships have a glass bottom? So they can see the rest of the old navy! (Milton Berle)
* L'umilta' e' una virtù stupenda. Il guaio e' che molti italiani la esercitano nella dichiarazione dei redditi. (Giulio Andreotti)
* Humility is a stupendous virtue. The trouble is that many Italians apply it when filling in the tax form. (Giulio Andreotti)
* Un italiano e' un latin lover, due italiani sono un casino, tre italiani fanno quattro partiti. (Beppe Grillo)
* An Italian is a Latin lover, two are a mess, three make up four political parties. (Beppe Grillo)
* La situazione dell'Europa e' seria, ma non disperata! La situazione dell'Italia e' disperata, ma non e' seria!
* The European situation is serious, but not desperate! The Italian situation is desperate but not serious!
* L'UIL ha proposto di togliere il passaporto a chi non e' in regola con il fisco. Avrebbe fatto prima a dire: chiudiamo le frontiere. (Indro Montanelli)
* UIL (One of the Italian Workers Union) proposed to withdraw passports to the ones not in line with the revenue laws. It was faster if they said: "close the country's borders". (Indro Montanelli)
* Secondo gli ultimi dati dell'ONU, il nostro Paese confina un po' col terzo mondo ed un po' con l'altro mondo. (Anonimo)
* According to the last U.N. data, our country borders a little bit with the "third world" and a little bit with the "other world". (Anonimous)
* I Francesi sono degli Italiani di cattivo umore. Gli Italiani, all'opposto, sono dei Francesi di buon umore. (Jean Cocteau)
* French are Italians with bad temper. Italians, on the contrary, are French with good humour. (Jean Cocteau)
* In Italia di legale per tutti c'e' solo l'ora. Ed anche quella, non per tutto l'anno. (Stellario Panarello)
* Of legal in Italy there's only "l'ora legale" (Daylight Savings Time called in Italy: Legal Hour) and not even that lasts all year long. (Stellario Panarello)
* Perche' l'Italia e' a forma di stivale? Perche', per stare nella merda, gli stivali sono meglio dei sandali. (Francesco Salvi)
* Why Italy is booth shaped? Because, being in the crap, its better than wearing sandals. (Francesco Salvi)
* L'italiano e' mosso da un bisogno sfrenato d'ingiustizia. (Ennio Flaiano)
* The Italian is moved by an uncontrolled need of injustice. (Ennio Flaiano)
* Se si incontrano tre automobilisti, in Inghilterra fondano un club, in Francia combinano un menage a' trois, in Italia creano un ingorgo. (Stellario Panarello)
* If you meet three car drivers: in England they set up a club, in France a "menage a' trios", in Italy create a traffic jam.
* L'Italia entra nel Duemila ancora in attesa del suo Settecento. (Michele Serra)
* Italy steps in the year 2000 still waiting for her 16th century. (Michele Serra)
* Non possiamo rinunciare alla Fiat: e' l'immagine del nostro Paese. (Altan)
* We can't do without Fiats: its our country's image. (Altan)
* "Saddam mente". "Bastasse questo per bombardare un paese, l'Italia non avrebbe scampo". (Ellekappa)
* "Saddam lies!!". "If this is enough to bomb a country, Italy would have no escape". (Ellekappa)
* Quando un tedesco non sa una cosa… LA IMPARA
* When a German doesn't know one thing… HE LEARNS IT.
* Quando un americano non sa una cosa… PAGA PER SAPERLA
* When an American doesn't know one thing… HE PAYS TO LEARN IT.
* Quando un inglese non sa una cosa… CI SCOMMETTE SOPRA
* When a British doesn't know one thing… HE BETS ON IT.
* Quando un francese non sa una cosa… FA FINTA DI SAPERLA
* When a French doesn't know one thing… HE PRETENDS HE KNOWS IT.
* Quando uno spagnolo non sa una cosa… CHIEDE CHE GLI SIA SPIEGATA
* When a Spanish doesn't know one thing… HE ASKS FOR AN EXPLANATION.
* Quando un greco non sa una cosa… TI SFIDA A CHI HA RAGIONE
* When a Greek doesn't know one thing… HE CHALLENGES YOU ON WHO IS RIGHT.
* Quando un irlandese non sa una cosa… CI BEVE SOPRA
* When an Irish doesn't know one thing… HE DRINKS ON IT.
* Quando uno svizzero non sa una cosa… CI STUDIA SOPRA
* When a Swiss doesn't know one thing… HE STUDIES IT.
* Quando un italiano non sa una cosa… LA INSEGNA !!!
* When an Italian doesn't know one thing… HE TEACHES IT!!!
* L'Italia sarebbe un Paese magnifico senza gli italiani. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Italy could be a gorgeous country without the Italians. (Giuseppe Prezzolini)
* Siamo un popolo di rivoluzionari. Ma vogliamo fare le barricate con i mobili degli altri. (Ennio Flaiano)
* We are a country of revolutionaries. Bu we want to make blockades with other peoples furniture. (Ennio Flaiano)
* La crisi economica dell'Italia sta assumento livelli preoccupanti. Ieri ho incontrato un amico e gli ho offerto un caffe'. Mi ha risposto che, se per me era lo stesso, preferiva che gli dessi i soldi. (Mauroemme)
* The economic crises in Italy is reaching alarming levels. Yesterday I met a friend of mine at the bar and offered him an espresso. He asked me, if it was all right with me, to have the money instead. (Mauroemme)
* "Bisogna alzare la voce con gli Americani". "Devono capire chi e' che ubbidisce qui". (Altan)
* "We have to raise our voice with the Americans". "They have to understand who is obeying here". (Altan)
* L'Italia cambia cosi' in fretta che non si e' mai sicuri di aver pagato la tangente al tipo giusto. (Altan)
* Italy is changing so fast that you're never sure if you have paid the right amount of money "under the table". (Altan)
* Emergenza scioperi: In Italia la questione sociale e' cosi' grave che ai prossimi scioperi i cittadini non avranno nessun disagio. E' previsto infatti lo sciopero degli scioperanti. (Marco Vicari)
* Strike emergency: in Italy the social issue is so bad that, when the next strike will occur, citizen won't feel any inconvenience. As a matter of fact is expected a strikers strike. (Marco Vicari)
* La fanteria italiana non retrocede mai, fa mezzo giro e continua ad avanzare. (Mauroemme)
* The Italian infantry never withdraws, makes half a turn and continues its advance.
* In Germania ha fatto scalpore il nuovo brevetto di una macchina speciale, che permette di acciuffare ladri in soli 5 minuti. Installata negli USA, ha fatto prendere 1000 ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Giappone, ha fatto prendere 6000 ladri in 5 minuti. Installata in Italia, e' stata rubata in 5 minuti. (Mauroemme)
* In Germany a new patent of a special machine made sensation, it catches thieves in only five minutes. Installed in the USA, it allowed 1000 thieves to be caught in five minutes while in Japan 6000 thieves were nabbed in five minutes. Installed in Italy it was stolen in five minutes.
PS We are of course all very proud to be Italian!
By ~Latin Lover
New office policy
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat…
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked . "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
By ~Nu Pogudi
Two Radical Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat…
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Terrorist in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, "I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Terrorists picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Terrorist said, "That looks good, I'd really like one,too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Terrorist picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked . "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
By ~Nu Pogudi
Here’s something that I heard when I was kid.
There was a fussy customer who was ordering a steak at a restaurant. He told the waiter “I want a steak that is cooked neither rare nor overdone. It should be just right, you know, in the groove! The steak should not be too tough nor should it be too soft and mushy. But, in the groove! See that the steak is not served sizzling hot, but it should not be cold either. Make sure that it’s in the groove!” … and like this the order went on.
The chef was furious after the waiter had read out the order. He charged into the restaurant and grabbed the customer by his collar, and yelled at him “You can kiss my a**! Not on the left cheek, not on the right cheek, but in the groove!”
There was a fussy customer who was ordering a steak at a restaurant. He told the waiter “I want a steak that is cooked neither rare nor overdone. It should be just right, you know, in the groove! The steak should not be too tough nor should it be too soft and mushy. But, in the groove! See that the steak is not served sizzling hot, but it should not be cold either. Make sure that it’s in the groove!” … and like this the order went on.
The chef was furious after the waiter had read out the order. He charged into the restaurant and grabbed the customer by his collar, and yelled at him “You can kiss my a**! Not on the left cheek, not on the right cheek, but in the groove!”
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine holes, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her voice, calling him every 4 letterword in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
by ~Latin Lover
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine holes, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her voice, calling him every 4 letterword in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
by ~Latin Lover
Mom and son
One Early morning a mother went to
her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and
should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and
should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
By ~Latin Lover
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
By ~Latin Lover
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
by ~Latin Lover
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
by ~Latin Lover
The Maid Wanted A Raise …
The maid wanted an increase in salary.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a raise?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The Master said so.
Madam: Oh.
Maria: The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you.
Madam: Nonsense, who said you're a better cook than me?
Maria: The Master did.
Madam: Oh.
Maria: My third reason is that I'm a better lover than you.
Madam: (Very upset now) Did the Master say that as well?
Maria: No Madam, the gardener did.
Maria got the pay raise …
The Madam was very upset about this and asked:
"Now Maria, why do you want a raise?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: Who said you iron better than me?
Maria: The Master said so.
Madam: Oh.
Maria: The second reason is that I'm a better cook than you.
Madam: Nonsense, who said you're a better cook than me?
Maria: The Master did.
Madam: Oh.
Maria: My third reason is that I'm a better lover than you.
Madam: (Very upset now) Did the Master say that as well?
Maria: No Madam, the gardener did.
Maria got the pay raise …
Two friends:
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.
__________________
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO". _____________
________________________________
- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed
by ~Latin Lover
- What is it: it weighs 500 pounds, it provides heat during the winter but hangs on the tree during the summer?
- ???
- It is a stove.
- A stove that hangs on a tree?
- Why does it matter to you where I keep my stove during the summer.
__________________
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO". _____________
________________________________
- Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?
- No it doesn't my son.
- Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed
by ~Latin Lover
Police Quotes:
1. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
4. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
5. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
7. "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
8. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
9. "Just how big were those two beers?
10. "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
by ~oonah
2. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
3. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
4. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
5. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
7. "Life's tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
8. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
9. "Just how big were those two beers?
10. "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
by ~oonah
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! No way! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"
written by ~oonah
The husband says, "Oh my God! No way! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"
written by ~oonah
No speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes!
written by ~Nu Pogodi
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes!
written by ~Nu Pogodi
GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!
Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Deary,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
written by ~Nu Pogodi ~
United States
Deary,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
written by ~Nu Pogodi ~
United States
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started…
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started…
The good, the bad & the ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Reasons To Like Beer by 7 Year Olds
A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching …………………….
7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie – ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
7 year old Grady – 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby – 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah – 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
7 year old Lilly – ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan – ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley – ' I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack – ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
7 year old Melanie – ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want On television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.
7 year old Grady – 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
7 year old Toby – 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and The more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
7 year old Sarah – 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
7 year old Lilly – ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
7 year old Ethan – ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
7 year old Shirley – ' I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
7 year old Jack – ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
The first thing Fred says as he sees the doctor is
"Please don't laugh".
Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am…..
I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
"Please don't laugh".
Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet
and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor, "I really am…..
I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
Doctor asks the young patient, “Do you smoke?”
Yes, I'm a single young man,” answers the patient.
Do you drink alcohol?” continues the doctor.
Sure, I'm a single young man.”
Have you a sex?” inquires doctor.
Yes, of course, I'm a single young man.”
My dear,” says the doctor, “if you want to live, you must give up it.”
Well, I could give up smoking and drinking,” assents the young man, “but about sex … I don't know.”
In that case, you should get married,” says the doctor.
“But Why?”, wonders the young man.
To gives up a sex bit by bit
Yes, I'm a single young man,” answers the patient.
Do you drink alcohol?” continues the doctor.
Sure, I'm a single young man.”
Have you a sex?” inquires doctor.
Yes, of course, I'm a single young man.”
My dear,” says the doctor, “if you want to live, you must give up it.”
Well, I could give up smoking and drinking,” assents the young man, “but about sex … I don't know.”
In that case, you should get married,” says the doctor.
“But Why?”, wonders the young man.
To gives up a sex bit by bit
Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again…..
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'
IN RABBIT HEAVEN
Once there was a married couple who promised each other that who ever died first would come back to tell the other what heaven was like. It happened to be that the husband died first. And sure enough, one evening the wife heard the voice of her husband, and she asked him, so what was it like.
He began to describe, “Well, first I get up in the morning and have an organic salad, then I have sex, then I eat again, then in the afternoon I have more sex. Then I have another meal of natural food, and again have more sex in the evening before I go to sleep.”
The wife was quite surprised at this and asked, “So that is what it is like in heaven.”
The husband replied, “Who said anything about heaven? I’m a bunny rabbit in Kansas.”
He began to describe, “Well, first I get up in the morning and have an organic salad, then I have sex, then I eat again, then in the afternoon I have more sex. Then I have another meal of natural food, and again have more sex in the evening before I go to sleep.”
The wife was quite surprised at this and asked, “So that is what it is like in heaven.”
The husband replied, “Who said anything about heaven? I’m a bunny rabbit in Kansas.”
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And so the statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And so the statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the
ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have
sex. "What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the
ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And so the statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head!"
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And so the statues came to life.
They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head!"
Chinese Medicine
While in China , a man is very promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: Stupid American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Fall off by it self….'
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The Doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor Says: 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: Stupid American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry!
Wait two weeks. Fall off by it self….'
Just a joke
Two 80 year old American ladies were standing having a cigarette outside the nursing home.
Jane said to Molly,"what the hells that you've got on your cigarette?"
Molly said "It's called a condom and I cut the end of it and it keeps the rain off, you can get them in any Drugstore"
Next day Jane went to the Drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms, the Pharmacist couldn't believe what the 80 year old was saying and asked her what type she preferred .
Molly replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"
Jane said to Molly,"what the hells that you've got on your cigarette?"
Molly said "It's called a condom and I cut the end of it and it keeps the rain off, you can get them in any Drugstore"
Next day Jane went to the Drugstore and asked for a packet of condoms, the Pharmacist couldn't believe what the 80 year old was saying and asked her what type she preferred .
Molly replied, "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel!"
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Zhanna Friske, Jazz and Funky ...............oooops
When everything goes to fast, the quality is a little bad and you can't see wat is happening, donwload the next link (19mb):
http://rapidshare.com/files/148358083/friske.avi
(qality)
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